Thursday 30 June 2011

Freeman's Mind - Episode 37 [Half-Life Source]

Fear the beard...Rating: ****

Creator: Ross Scott (http://www.accursedfarms.com/)
Distributed by: Machinima.com (http://www.machinima.com/)

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGHkIMXqOKg


A long and very amusing episode in a strong series, Freeman finally gets his memory back in this installment which sees him attempting to traverse the hazards of the labyrinthine Black Mesa facility ("Why do we make rooms which can't be accessed connect to OTHER rooms which can't be accessed?"). There's plenty of jokes and the muffled noises Freeman makes while swimming are both curious and fitting. Another strong effort.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

Wednesday 29 June 2011

Good Grief - Back Up Vocals 3 [Episode 70, Black Ops] & Zombies Are STOOPID [Episode 71, Black Ops Zombies]

Apologies for the double bill review but I'm a bit behind and trying to catch up on releases so this will be short.
Ratings:
  • Back Up Vocals 3: ***
  • Zombies Are STOOPID: ***
Distributed by: GoodGriefing (http://www.youtube.com/user/GoodGriefing)

Watch them here:



Two of Good Grief's most popular characters/skits make a return here, the dulcet tones of ToFastForSeth narrating his game in Back Up Vocals 3 and the nasal whining of CRIMS0NKANE as he informs all the ignorant gamers why Zombies Are STOOPID. The first has it's moments but it really depends on the improved lines of Seth and the quality of the reactions, both of which are fairly standard. There's nobody being ridiculously angry, though the kid trying to direct the whole team by designating himself "Captain" is nicely surreal and the final parting shot of the video is great.

Zombies Are STOOPID starts of, oddly enough, with CRIMS0NKANE offering relationship advice. The victim's realisation that KANE is trolling him is actually slightly sad to hear but hey-ho. On to the History Channel... the usual jokes about helmets and erroneous facts but now with a romantic tone as the nasal-nerd invents a girlfriend for himself. The humour naturally comes with the absurdity of the zombie survival game mode and the nerds off-hand comments. It's a shame that CRIMS0N's chosen audience actually seem quite receptive of his initial sentiments but his constant barrage of conceits eventually sour the mood. All in all the quality of the premise is as strong as ever but it's overlong and a little laboured.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

DELAYS AND ALL THAT

Hey guys,

Sorry once again for the appalling lapse in reviews, I've been going through some personal troubles and it's hard to commit too much time ATM. But today (29th June) is the day I catch up hopefully. It'll be tough, three GoodGriefing videos, various Machinima videos and ANOTHER FUCKING MORTAL KOMEDY video for me to raise my blood pressure with. But it'll end with the third Red vs Blue episode which I will preliminarily dub BLOODY BRILLIANT. I'm sorry to the people who check back on this blog regularly, I will try to maintain a better standard of time management in the future.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

Sunday 26 June 2011

3 Chinese Tortures [Final Fantasy]

Aerith's Fables...
RATING: ****

Creator: Blackmagav (http://www.youtube.com/user/Blackmagav)
Distributed by: Machinima.com (www.machinima.com)

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dOiTofVO_Rs


Like being regaled with the life story of an escaped mental patient in a backless surgical gown who periodically swigs from a suspicious looking bottle; this rather funny little piece is crude, glitchy, slapdash and quirky. Which is why it's great.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

The Dark: The Killing Gene [Moviestorm]

Please 'Turn Of The Dark'... it's just awful...
Rating: NO STARS

Creator: ComputerGirlTV (http://www.youtube.com/ComputerGirlTV)
Distrubuted by: Machinima.com (www.machinima.com)

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=573ouhQu9U0


I'd never heard of Moviestorm as a machinima engine but it seems to be a lacklustre version of The Sims 2 (the character models are terrible) with more props and far-less personality. Watching The Dark: The Killing Gene put me in mind of a bad Twilight Zone episode as imagined by dead-eyed budget action figures. Any promise in the premise (scientist theorises a gene with explains humanities capactiy for violence) is ruined with the appearence of a fedora-wearing Eastern European (with the worst voice acting and accent I've heard in quite some time) who puts the protaganist through a scenario rejected by even the most lacklustre Hollywood thriller writers on account of it being boring, utterly nonsensical and just plain bad. The puppetry is hilarious (the spasmotic parabolic arc of an arm holding a phone is just one of many terrible moments), the music is bland and cookiecutter and the engine itself is diabolical. When people complain about there not being enough actual machinima on the Machinima network, they didn't mean they wanted this miserable excuse for a film.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

L.A. Noire: A Kingdom Divided [Live Action]

"It's on like Donkey Kong..."
Rating: ***

Creator: ROBOBOOTS (http://www.roboboots.ca)
Distributed by: Machinima.com (www.machinima.com)

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1xGu7PypqRQ


A fairly standard send-up of the detective mechanics in L.A. Noire quickly becomes a more impassioned swipe at one of modern gamings institutions. The camera angles and popup controls convey the tone and presentation of the game and the writing is solid.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

Tuesday 21 June 2011

Red vs. Blue - The Twins - S9E2 [Halo: Reach / CGI]

"Prepare for trouble and make it double!"
Rating: ****

Creator: Rooster Teeth Productions (http://roosterteeth.com/home.php)

Watch it here: http://roosterteeth.com/archive/?id=3355


Having started slow the new season kicks into high gear for its second episode with a high octane prolonged fight as the prequel storyline picks up. Set before the Blood Gulch Chronicles it aims to tell the story of Project Freelancer and the A.I. fragments assigned to each Freelancer. This will therefore lead to the return of many of the shows best fighters, with a cast including Tex, Washington and Wyoming there will presumably be little idle chit-chat and more balls to the wall action courtesy of Monty Oum (the architect of the similarly balletic Dead Fantasy series).

The two characters at the centre of this episode are the bickering brother and sister team of North and South Dakota (in the main storyline the former has appeared only as a corpse victim of the Meta, the later in a slightly more pro-active and important role). Set to infiltrate a cryogenics facility and retrieve some mysterious data, the duo's banter will strike a chord with anyone who has a sibling, North is the level-headed professional and South is the more impulsive and ready to prove herself.

The real star here is the mo-capped choreography and it doesn't disappoint as the Dakotas dodge bullets and dispense their own with dizzying speed and skill. It may be low on narrative and high on bodycount, but the episode shows off Rooster Teeth's action credentials and there is still plenty of time to show the relationships within the Freelancers and the saga of their downfall before this season is out.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

Mario's Galaxy: Episode 1 - The Cosmic Clones [Animation]

South Park already did it... 10 million times better.
RATING: NO STARS

Creator: PikaParody http://www.PikaParody.com
Distributed by: Machinima.com (www.machinima.com)

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ve9h6jr6tg


A thousand Goombas with pens in their mouths could not write something as terrible as this animation, a million Koopas with paint brushes inserted into their private cavities could not produce such lacklustre and appallingly bad animation and a trillion Italian stereotypes gargling their mother's homemade lasagna could not produce voice acting so offensive. It's times like this I despair at the quality of the Machinima network, swamped as it is with pointless animations, boring commentaries and 'me too' Halo: Reach machinima series. The use of 'Episode 1' fills me with dread, it implies more is coming, the wave of mediocrity sweeping the Machinima network continues.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

Two Best Friends Play: Duke Nukem Forever [Duke Nukem Forever]

Fail to the King, hail to the Court Jesters...
Rating: *****

Creator: TheSw1tcher (http://www.youtube.com/user/TheSw1tcher)
Distributed by: Machinima.com (http://www.machinima.com/)

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r111yx2XvkA


Duke Nukem Forever has swept up the sales charts and into videogame infamy. Almost universally reviled and criticised, this monstrous turkey has taken (as we are frequently reminded by Matt and Pat) 12 years of long development hell. What should have been a glorious nostalgia trip with all the polished bells and whistles of the modern era is rather "like I'm time-travelling into the future of the past!" Matt and Pat don't appear to be coming into this as vanilla-Duke players, they have history and knowledge of the retro classics and their disappointment is both palatable and brilliant. The game itself has left many baffled and hurt, this video shows the depths of this feeling while also being one of the funniest in this wildely entertaining series.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

Sunday 19 June 2011

Mortal Kombat Fire & Ice: Steve Jobs [Live Action]

Somebody uppercut this series into The Pit...
Rating: NO STARS

Creator: Mortal Komedy Films (http://www.youtube.com/mortalkomedyfilms)
Distributed by: Machinima.com (http://www.machinima.com/)

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BetkKdazksQ


I can't be bothered to describe how terrible this video is and its so-called 'humour'. Please refer to my review of Mortal Kombat Fire & Ice: Shao Kahn (13/06/2011) and multiply all sentiments expressed therein by 10 and maybe you'll have a glimpse into how bad this is. An utterly dire excuse for entertainment.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

Self Defence With Portals [Live Action]

This is the part where he tells them the video was rubbish.
Rating: *

Creator: Andrew McMurry ( http://www.youtube.com/andrewmfilms)
Distributed by: Machinima.com (www.machinima.com)

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1MC7wW_qus


Hello, the video was rubbish. Or rather is. And still continues to be. I don't claim to live in America but if I'd found a portal gun which isn't even a real portal gun (instead it's some sort of reskinned airsoft P90) and escaped a mugging I would, let's say, run away from the confused attackers. Last time I checked, reopening a portal, shooting one of your muggers in the chest and then sending the other to the surface of the sun isn't called self-defence if you've already evaded the attack. It's called cold-blooded murder of two individuals who just happened to be criminals. This video is bad, the prop is absurd, the premise has a certain wasted potential, the characters are boring and repellent (especially the 'hero') and the portal effects are weak as is the logic for using them. Disappointing.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

Profound Moments In Left 4 Dead - Episode 22 [Left 4 Dead]

Alert the horde, this one is alive and kicking.
Rating: *****

Creator: ICTON Entertainment (http://www.youtube.com/user/Djy1991)
Distributed by: Machinima.com (www.machinima.com)

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W85vb1Pcqb4


Left 4 Dead is one of the most intensely co-operative experiences in gaming history, it requires constant teamwork, communication and support. So lots of people die, a lot. This long-running series sees a bickering group of gamers attempting to navigate the zombie apocalypse while riffing on each other and swearing profusely, their banter is fast-paced and urbane and some of the improvised quips are genius: "I am once more being licked... and vomited on... it's like a fucking celebrity party". I won't spoil it for you but if you have a hankering for banter and enjoy seeing people alternately support and grief each other then you're in for a treat. There are also some nice shout-outs to the previous episodes with series favorite Aovnick as the voice of the helicopter: "Oh you guys and your fancy closet technology so far ahead of my helicopter and its flying... metal things!" A long and hilarious romp which keeps the laughs coming.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

Arby 'n' The Chief - S6E1 - 'Genesis' [Live Action / Halo: Reach]

The roflcopter soars to new heights...
Rating: *****

Creator: Jon Graham (http://joncjg.blogspot.com/)
Distributed by: Machinima.com (www.machinima.com)

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYpremWTkC4


It can sometimes be difficult being a fan of Jon Graham, often a series that starts to show promise will be bogged down with an over complex plot which has to be hastily tied together (I'm thinking Hard Justice season 2 here) or becomes too zealous and preachy (season 3 of Arby 'n' the Chief is a prime example, especially the finale 'King'). However, the artist formerly known as DigitalPh33r (now the more professional Jon CJG) shouldn't be criticised for trying to insert an element of Internet commentary into his work, it's a noble and thankless task which sometimes hits the mark (much of my disdain for the COD perk Martyrdom comes from the season 1 episode of the same name). It becomes clear through Graham's blog that his work is a labour of love, a single artist who pushes out a frankly staggering body of work that only recently received the boon of other voice actors. He also talks candidly about his self-doubt and his previous issues with depression and alcoholism, in terms of personal investment I don't know a machinima creator who invests more of himself in both his public persona and his work. When Rooster Teeth make a blog it's about zany office antics or what song Geoff Ramsey is listening to ATM. For Graham it can be anything from a game review to a look back at the days he was swigging Jack Daniels straight from the bottle.

But over the last couple of years things have changed, the writing is getting sharper, the characters more varied, the dilemmas more pressing and the jokes funnier. Like a car being slowly renovated, each year Graham shaves of more of the rust covering the cherry red surface, the engine begins to purr and the suspension starts to tighten, ready to spring to life. Though again suffering from a slightly nonsensical plot, the second season of his quasi-autobiographical drama One Life Remaining was more consistently written throughout, the new voice cast helped to bring variety and personality and gave great hope for his next project. When season 5 of Arby 'n' the Chief arrived it was a revelation, perhaps the best season yet, not a return to the irreverent glory days of season 1 but evolved into an entirely new beast that kept the sense of fun but added real world traumas to the story (love, rejection, identity). Presumably on a roll, now season 6 immediately follows, and it's clear Graham still has stories to tell.

The thing which struck me when I first heard the premise and watched the trailer was a theme of escalation, the idea that Batman creates the lunatics he fights or that taking down one villain allows another to rise to power (think Modern Warfare 2). Four months after the explosive and heartbreaking finale of season 5 the two bickering plastic entities are still banned from online play; Chief has little to do except "B33T TEH WHOLE CHAMPAGNE IN ONE SERVING" and watch porn, the Arbiter has hit the bottle, the empty bottle of Jack Daniels tells us that not only is Graham using the Arbiter as his artistic mouthpiece now he's putting him through the same pain he's suffered at the hands of alcohol. The bleak opening monologue punctuated by Chief's aimless wall doodling presumably draws from Graham's own intoxicated musings and it's clear the tenuous friendship between the toys is worse than ever. Claire isn't around to offer comfort, Greg is gone, its as palpable a sense of futility and abandonment as the opening scenes of Toy Story 3.

The theme of escalation arrives with the main villains for this series, a militant group of hackers known as Chaos Theosis. How much their attempts to free online gaming of moderation were inspired or catalysed by the Arbiter's actions at the end of season 5 remains to be seen, if they were emboldened by his example then the interesting dynamic will be can the Arbiter slay the monster he helped create or at least set free? Theosis is a pleasant change from the corporate nihilism of Trent Donnovich, a disparate group of seemingly arbitrary hackers (whiny 8-year old, manipulative girl gamer, pretentious MLG elite and their mysterious leader) who object to the deployment of an online gaming police force known as the TOSERS (Terms of Use Enforcement / Response Squad) who intend to stamp out illegal activities of the Online Multiplayer Network (a thinly veiled term for Xbox Live). With the threat of weapons capable of causing a permanent console ban/hack and illegal software modifications to allow superhuman feats of gaming, Theosis intends to carve a path through the Network until the TOSERS are disbanded. Perhaps in the pseudo-philosophical ramblings of their leader Graham is drawing parallels between the motiveless vandalism of Theosis and the work of real-world hacker groups like Anonymous bringing down the PlayStation Network and hacking game developers seemingly for no purpose other than to steal account information under the pretense of information freedom/expression.

Meanwhile the toys are locked in a bitter Three Stooges-esque struggle for control until they inevitably stumble upon an advertisement for the TOSERS. The story for this mammoth first episode (clocking in at just under 20 minutes) has few surprises, clearly Graham needs to get the exposition out of the way before the real drama can begin. But the five star rating applies both to what this episode contains but also what it represents, the start of a new, exciting and challenging series from one of machinima's living legends. The physical humour as the two companions slap each other around is priceless, even if there is a worrying bitterness behind it. The stereotypes found in the villains camp allow for some great moments, Graham is unafraid to take us out of the story for couple of minutes just to hear temper tantrum brat Adam scream at his mother about how "you treat ME with respect Mom!" and the hapless victim of their 'show of strength' has a gamertag which is probably already taken, ridiculous as it sounds.  The camera is interesting and varied, with some unusual symbolism (the 'pro-gamer' Duncan holding two of the largest weapons in the game, probably overcompensating for something...) and a nice array of shots. Another star is the music, Graham has produced his own music for a couple of years and though samey the tracks have a nicely retro vibe which perfectly captures the mood of each scene. To sum up, this opening episode in what could be a stellar series has wit, craftsmanship and scope, one to watch from a divisive and prolific talent.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

StarCraft II: The Little Zealot That Could [StarCraft II]

Better than being stuck in Zerg rush hour...
Rating: ***

Creator: Taurtis (http://www.youtube.com/user/Taurtis)
Distribtued by: Machinima.com (www.machinima.com)

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKFeyIeUwH8


Having never played StarCraft or watched any machinima made using it I cannot attest to the in-jokes that may be nestled into this short piece, but I can say that the premise is fun and the dialogue is well-balanced. The cutaway joke is a nice touch and the ending is satisfying, all I'll say is there's a spartan variety of camera angles on show which makes it quite a static piece. When I have seen more of this genre I'll be able to judge its strengths/weaknesses, till then, a competent introduction.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

Saber~Cow: The Battle [Halo: Reach]

Organised chaos or a failed coup?
Rating: ***

Creator: Saber~Cow (www.sabercow.com)
Distributed by: Machinima.com (www.machinima.com)

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fDdu0U3D8aw


If there is one thing I despise it is people who make ill-informed comments regarding information freely available in a videos description box. Every time I see an annotation saying 'Please check the description!' I despair that the author has watched what should be a forum to discuss their work devolve into a samey nitpick of one tiny detail. In this case nobody seems to heed the description OR the opening title of this machinima which directly identify it as an "experiment" with no story or characterisation, it is simply a showcase for various camera techniques and cinematic effects. Whether it is any good is another matter.

Sea~Cow appears to have simply taken a traditional online game of Halo: Reach and added some nice camera angles, if we ignore the uncoordinated clumsiness of some players and focus instead on the cinematography then we can judge how promising The Battle is. Though some is rather shaky (literally, the camera careens around, zooms erratically and sometimes loses the players altogether) there are moments of brilliance, the sequence of grenades funneled through an lift is particularly clever, the camera is drawn to the shimmer of active camouflage in time with our own eyes and it's a testament to how dramatic and intense battles of wits can erupt unplanned over Xbox Live in a heartbeat. As an experiment it is by no means terrible, the indication seems to be that Saber~Cow wants to make this a series or larger project. In my opinion, with some tightening of angles and editing, 'reality-machinima' could be a very interesting sub-genre.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

Spies vs. Guards [Halo Reach]

If Pixar did machinima... it still wouldn't be this good...
Rating: *****

Creator: TGO-GMBH (http://www.tgo-gmbh.net/)
Distributed by: Machinima.com (www.machinima.com)

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mr64SovMamY


This slick, stylish and light piece from French production company TGO plays like a cross between a Pixar short and a Team Fortress 2 video; funky soundtrack, strong physical humour, mute but expressive characters and snappy edits. The title says it all, two Spies face off against a small army of well equipped Guards, the zippy white figures running rings around the brutish red sentinels. Flashbacks, sniper scopes, split-screen are all featured, a veritable bag of tricks which makes the cinematography exciting and kinetic. A real treat that doesn't drag.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

Saturday 18 June 2011

Freeman's Mind - Episode 36 [Half-Life Source]

"What is your damage Heather?"
Rating: ****

Creator: Ross Scott (http://www.accursedfarms.com/)
Distributed by: Machinima.com (http://www.machinima.com/)

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ds4zjJ-DkrQ


Another well constructed and funny entry in the continuing adventures of the morose monologuing Freeman. Still suffering from knockout induced amnesia, Freeman is gradually regaining a sense of what he has been through: "Shooting things feels VERY familiar, and I didn't even have that dream where I was Snoop Dogg..." What he hasn't lost is his tendancy to wander, both physically and mentally. One of the best things about the series is how it deals with gameplay constraints and very unconventional level design in a deadpan way, and this area with its spinning acid bath obstacles and lots of locked doors gives Scott plenty to riff on.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

Good Grief - Smiley Club - Episode 69 [Halo 3]

Smiles all round...
Rating: ****

Distributed by: GoodGriefing (http://www.youtube.com/user/GoodGriefing)

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ftp-jfd3B8A



It's not often a griefing video warms the cockles of your heart, but this might just do it. Low on insults but heavy on the fun, the slowly growing 'Smiley Club' is a lovely example of gamers who (gasp) aren't afraid to enjoy gaming. In a world populated by kill/death ratios and obnoxious elite players it's nice to see that some people are willing to goof around and just play the game with a smile on their faces. The revelation of a girl gamer who doesn't take the team's quasi-chauvinistic banter seriously is a joy to hear, her fits of giggles, not annoying or fake but real and musical make the video worthwhile. Several comments state she should join the team or at least feature in more videos, something I would applaud as girl gamers often seem the silent majority against the sexless nerds and fist-pumping imbeciles which subject them to appalling abuse. Her pater with CRIMS0NKANE is priceless: "One thing about us getting married though is you'd have to convert to Judaism my mother won't have it any other way..." Hilarious and charming.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

How Osama Bin Laden was Killed: The Video Game! [Duke Nukem / Super Mario]

"America, FUCK YEAH..."
Rating: ****

Creator:
Distributed by: Machinima.com (http://www.machinima.com/)

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch%20nnotation_id=annotation_577761&feature=iv&v=6LusY0ju6kU


Now THIS is how you make a jingoistic, stereotypical and xenophobic machinima but most importantly make it funny. Take heed The Adventures of Bill... First you take the most satirically extreme and offensive icon in videogame history (that's Duke Nukem in case you've forgotten or aren't old enough) then you send him to defeat wave after wave of beard sporting Goomba stand-ins all the while cracking authentic Duke quotes. It's short, sweet and riotous but with a quaint old-school charm and a humour with enough knowing winks to avoid causing offence.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

L.A Reach [Halo: Reach]

Drive-by plasma sticking and bootlegging food nipples?
Rating: ***

Creator: soFallenfilms (http://www.youtube.com/user/soFallenfilms?blend=1&ob=5#p/search)
Distributed by: Machinima.com (http://www.machinima.com/)

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzD6eyfh14s


Ah soFallenfilms... you've saved yourselves. For the first couple of minutes this video was hovering firmly in the ** territory as I watched a rather boring drive-around with in-game quotes shoehorned into context. Then the on-foot dialogue began and I was sold. A very funny little offering from the mash up maestros.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

Flesh Candy - S1E2 [Halo: Reach]

Loud, bloody, brilliant.
Rating: ****

Creator: Cory Crater (http://www.newscapepro.com/)
Distributed by: Machinima.com (http://www.machinima.com/)

Watch it now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lo5QBvOSXrU&feature=relmfu



If the first episode of this interesting hybrid zombie thriller was saturated in a sickly yellow glow of contagion, then this is heavily swaddled in doom clouds. Shit's goin' down. 28 Days-style. A General Melchett-esque decision to camp outside the infected stronghold leads to a large sweeping battle, a row of snipers fire akin to the longbowmen of old, rockets thunder across the battlefield and bodies go flying. It's both epic and intimate as individual soldiers are picked out amongst the fray and meet their grisly ends.

Though there's a fair bit of clichรฉ in the story, cynical troops swapping black humour, incompetent fellow soldiers and suicidal commanding officers, the sequence which speaks most about this series potential is the first few minutes, dark, bewildering and (in the right mood) rather scary. The agonised shrieking and convulsing of a trooper undergoing infection is another highlight. Flesh Candy has spills, chills, thrills and more to come, a very promising series.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

Friday 17 June 2011

Wings of Equilibria: Chapter II [Halo: Reach]

Lofty ambitions, but plenty of time to soar...
Rating: ***

Creator: KingSangos (http://www.youtube.com/KingSangos)
Distributed by: Machinima.com (http://www.machinima.com/)

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgHXT0KHFDo


After a lengthy exposition-heavy opening episode to establish the wider canon of post-apocalyptic factions that form the backdrop for this ambitious series, the second follows this up with yet more talking, albeit slightly more interesting/varied. Our nameless hero (whose saviors call 'Martin') holds some significance in this shattered world dominated by three groups fighting for control; he finds himself recovering amongst a ragtag band of survivors in an abandoned hydroelectric plant while the Sangheili discuss the firefight that punctuated the previous episode.

It's clear from the strong musical cues and heroic cinematography that this series aims to be epic in both scope and execution, though it's heavy on talking and some of this dialogue is clunky, the characters are interesting and the slowly unravelling story could prove very satisfying. One to keep an eye on.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

Thursday 16 June 2011

The Adventures of Bill - Episode 1 [Contra]

As hard to watch as the game is to play without the Konami code...
Rating: NO STARS

Creator: Anarchist86ed (http://www.youtube.com/Anarchist86ed)
Distributed by: Machinima.com (http://www.machinima.com/)

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jH-LvlTvxhQ


Pointless, jingoistic, boring, xenophobic, stereotypical, unfunny, sexist. If done with a knowing finesse and a sense of irony some of these things can be very funny. Not this time. Perhaps the worst sprite based machinima I have ever seen, maybe one of the worst machinima of all time. Study it as you would a world war or genocide, so it can never be repeated.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

Accountable [Halo 3]

A tribute to comic books, but two-dimensional in all the wrong ways.
Rating: **

Creator: Lewis Hudson (http://www.youtube.com/HudsonCreations)
Distributed by: Machinima.com (http://www.machinima.com/)

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1s511cH_hoM


An interesting concept, Accountable attempts to marry machinima with the motion comic. Text boxes replace voice overs and speech bubbles pop up during dialogue, it's a nice touch, with an official looking font and a collection of atmospheric 'panels' which show us Hudson knows his comics and the general pacing of the medium.

It is just a shame that for all its stylistic tweaks the substance of the story and the writing are so weak, mangled lines like: "*Sigh* I can only embrace my artificial fate." and "I do plan for you to experience artificial fate" are just the tip of the iceberg. The writing is phenomenally bad. The story doesn't make any sense, the hero's (?) motivation/revenge is ridiculous and his moral compass is spinning 360 throughout. As an experimentation in machinima production it's an interesting concept and one which could prove fruitful, but as a self-contained story its something of a penny dreadful.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

Wednesday 15 June 2011

Red vs. Blue - Rounding Error - S9E1 [Halo: Reach / CGI]

Same ol' Blood Gulch, brand new blues...
Rating: *****

Creator: Rooster Teeth Productions (http://roosterteeth.com/home.php)

Watch it here: http://roosterteeth.com/archive/?id=3328



"Hi, my name is Leonard Church, but, nobody calls me Leonard... most people call me Church. Sometimes they call me Alpha and a few people even know me as The Director. But I haven't been called that in a really, REALLY long time..."

So beginneth Season 9 of the largest and most successful machinima of all time, what started out as conversations about the proper name for a jeep and the staving off of boredom while trapped in a box canyon has evolved many times over the years, almost as much as the Halo games it is filmed in. Anyone who has followed the series and felt a tingle in their spines watching the trailer for this season might be mistaken for thinking the opening episode would be big on explosions, CG fight scenes and set pieces.

So it is refreshing and I think totally right that the story starts very low key and back to basics, Epsilon-Church is still trapped in the A.I retrieval device, how long its been and for how much longer is a mystery. Surrounded by simulations of his old teammates in the famous canyon where it all began he has an omnipotence of future events that doesn't bode well considering his impatient demeanour at the best of times (as he morosely mutters: "God I forgot how much this place sucked!"). The rebooted location and time (for everyone except Church at least) means the quirks that made the characters so popular in the first place can be dusted off. So Caboose is determined to make Church his best friend, Church isn't used to being in a human body and Tucker is... still Tucker in all his asshole glory. But things are going wrong or rather, different. The Reds have modified their Warthog (or Chupathingy) to fire rockets, Donut is starting to give orders and the canyon is suffering earth tremors... what this bodes for Church and his memory-construct friends will no doubt be key to the series.

But it's the final few minutes that set the pulse racing, as 'Many Years Ago' the second storyline is set in motion, the origin story of Project Freelancer and the A.Is themselves. How these two distinct narratives will interweave remains to be seen, but if Rooster Teeth can balance the quieter character-driven humor with the mind-blowing set pieces than this may just be the best season yet, if not for first-time viewers then certainly for die-hard fans. Unmissable viewing.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

Good Grief - Get Humiliated 11 - Episode 68 [Call of Duty: Black Ops]

Get thee behind me Satan! I want to knife you in COD...
Rating: ****

Distributed by: GoodGriefing (http://www.youtube.com/user/GoodGriefing)

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkQlHxzg05Y


When an episode of Good Grief begins with a disclaimer reading: "I am NOT a Religious person, and I most certainly do NOT worship Satan." it's safe to say you're in for something special. A player's rant about the use of the number 666 in a gamertag alerts Crazy Filmmaker to someone who probably takes organized religion a bit too seriously, what follows is brilliant as Crazy announces "Satan is my brohan" and the "redneck" (CF's words not mine) shows some decidedly un-Christian sentiments towards homosexuals and African-Americans.

Not for the easily offended, but a perfect example of how online gaming enables right-wing and religious extremism to be voiced with little capable policing in place. In the end it is the annotation which flashes up about 5 minutes in which says it best: 'Thumbs up if you hate Racists and Homophobes". Good Grief doesn't always pick the most deserving targets, but when they do the battle of wills between the ignorant troglodytes and the savvy pranksters is always a treat, and the cavemen never win.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

Tuesday 14 June 2011

The Sax Guy's Last Day [Grand Theft Auto IV]

Sax on legs...
Rating: **

Creator: KML Productions (http://www.youtube.com/KMLVIDEOS)
Distributed by: Machinima.com (http://www.machinima.com/)

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMV589gBH9g


A strange offering from experienced GTA IV filmmakers KML, The Sax Guy's Last Day might be saying something quite profound or it could just be odd. An aging saxophonist picks up his instrument one last time and plays like he's never played before. With no dialogue or story this is essentially a music video, all be it set to some funky jazz. A somewhat nihilistic ending and a comic post-credits sequence make this a fun if slightly aimless short.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

Who's That Knocking? [Halo: Reach]

Bells and whistles with a decidedly wooden base...
Rating: **

Creator: McCallahanIndustries (http://www.youtube.com/McCallahanIndustries)
Distributed by: Machinima.com (http://www.machinima.com/)

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=to9vWLFkdfM




If one thing reverberates throughout Who's That Knocking? it's that it should be better. Don't get me wrong, its not terrible, but its hard to take seriously something with a story this clichรฉ and a script this stilted. When a UNSC outpost goes dark, a lone soldier is sent to investigate, whoever can't guess the rest  hasn't seen half the Halo: Reach machinima out there. What makes this piece tolerable are the gilded edges, mainly post-production effects. A hovering UAV watches the single SPARTAN  through a filter that's half-Predator and half-AC130 from Modern Warfare, Covenant battlecruisers sail through the sky and a full-scale hologram stands as the last surviving remnant of the outpost. The possibility of a sequel leaves some room for improvement, with a little bit more work on the story this could become a  very passable series. Oppurtunity knocks indeed.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

Monday 13 June 2011

"Ode 2 Noobz" - A Halo Reach Noob Song [Halo: Reach]

The Phantom of the Overshield...
Rating: ****

Creator: JT Machinima (http://www.jtmachinima.com/)
Distributed by: Machinima.com (http://www.machinima.com/)

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9lusk56Uz4


This melodious ditty comes from prolific music and machinima production company JT Machinima and is an aurally pleasing portrait of your average noob. Irritatingly catchy with some inspired lyrics ("Oh what I would give to make this noob sign off!" / "But you know I won't do that till I'm told to by my mom!"), a rap segment, a sombre quiet section straight out of an Andrew Lloyd Webber and gratuitous tea-bagging throughout this is a well-made and irreverent look at a popular gamer stereotype.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

Master Chief In Real Life: The Grocery Store [Live Action]

Clean up in aisle 3, some kid knocked over the food nipple display...
Rating: ***

Creator: Bryan Simon (http://www.brysi.com/)
Distributed by: Machinima.com (http://www.machinima.com/)

Watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xF_j48YQBqc


For as long as there have been hand-held cameras there have been people dressing up invading the normal world. Master Chief In Real Life occupies some strange niche between reality/hidden camera and scripted skit. Accompanied by some charmingly whimsical music straight from an episode of Mr Bean he glides around a supermarket picking up items both fictional and available (what exactly goes into 'Grunts Cereal'?). The novelty of this kind of video doesn't wear off easily, and the reaction shots from various staff and shoppers make this a fun little way to spend a few minutes. It doesn't play for huge laughs, but the suggestions for Chief's next location should give this series some mileage and room to grow.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

Mortal Kombat Fire & Ice: Shao Kahn [Live Action]

More MUNDANITY than FATALITY...
Rating: *

Creator: Mortal Komedy Films (http://www.youtube.com/mortalkomedyfilms)
Distributed by: Machinima.com (http://www.machinima.com/)

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZw36I2aFkI


The 'hilarious' premise of this short sketch from a larger series is that Sub-Zero and Scorpion are in a purgatory which looks suspiciously like the creator's apartment. Sub-Zero went shopping and bought home only cheap noodle snacks but Scorpion asked him to get many more things. Sub-Zero argues he was saving money buying discounted noodles, then tries some and doesn't like them. Then after the credits Sub-Zero realises he had his sudoku book the wrong way round the whole time. HA HA HA, geddit? Because it's a load of squares and they all look the same, HA HA HA. There, I just saved you 2:35 of your life you would have wasted watching this poor excuse for comedy. Bad acting (why does the uptight 'square' Scorpion have to be a blustery Brit?), pointless premise and bad cosplay costumes. Low budget Internet comedy parodying video games can be good providing the ideas stand up and the source material is rich enough, this is just a bad sketch with added ninjas.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

Sunday 12 June 2011

Two Best Friends Play: Demon's Souls [Demon's Souls]

Hell is other people... but mainly that guy...
RATING: ****

Creator: TheSw1tcher (http://www.youtube.com/user/TheSw1tcher)
Distributed by: Machinima.com (http://www.machinima.com/)

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Be_657JBAI


Two Best Friends is a series that taps into one of the greatest phenomenons encountered in video gaming, you and a friend, passing a controller between yourselves, level by level until one of you dies or fails miserably. Your ever supportive friend mocks you and you don't speak for several minutes. And then you put it on YouTube. The hapless Matt is thrown in the deep end when Pat picks Demon's Soul's as their next game, its legendary difficulty given a glowing summary ("It's hard like the Devil's dick raping you in Hell!").

As ever the humour comes from our heroes thinking of increasingly elaborate ways to insult/sabotage the other. As the more experienced gamer Pat takes great pleasure in luring Matt into traps ("Yo dude... through that other door there's like a big ass bunch of treasure...") but when the controller is passed the dynamic shifts once more. Another fine entry in a consistently entertaining series.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

Final Fantasy Stop Motion: Sephiroth The World's Enemy [Stop Motion Animation]

From turn-based to stop-motion...
RATING: *****

Creator: John Huang A.K.A counter656 (http://www.youtube.com/user/counter656)
Distributed by: Machinima.com (http://www.machinima.com/)

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hH4sHqDEjSg


In late April, a trailer appeared on the Machinima channel which caused considerable excitement. Simply called Megaman and Final Fantasy Preview (you can watch it again here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mKAr06HLmU) it was a delightfully retro stop-motion bonanza which left the subscribers hungry for more. Now they have the first film from talented Taiwanese filmmaker John Huang for Machinima.com, the aptly titled Final Fantasy Stop motion: Sephiroth The World's Enemy.

In terms of narrative the film combines elements of both the original Final Fantasy VII and the CGI animated sequel Advent Children, a straight-up fight between Cloud and Sephiroth punctuated by quieter moments, a new arrival to the fight and a melancholy ending. The detail and articulation on show from the readily available action figures is stunning and Huang's intense and stylish choreography is awe inspiring when consider the man-hours involved in filming it. The production is further flavoured by some impressive special effects and flourishes, a 360 panning shot blossoms into a field of flowers, Sephiroth unleashes a blistering array of spells and polystyrene pillars are sliced in two with satisfying weight. A truely superlative production given the recently flagging quality in Machinima.com's output, the exciting prospect of a follow-up featuring Halo: Reach figures indicates this suprise hit will continue to thrill. Until then, you can sample some of Huang's other work on his YouTube channel above, and follow his progress via Blogger (http://counter656-productions.blogspot.com/).

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

Good Grief - Stoopid Kids (Humiliations mini-episode) [Call of Duty: Black Ops]

"the rofl knife demands blood..."
RATING: ****

Created by: Kyle Beauregard A.K.A Crazy Filmmaker (http://goodgriefing.net/)
Filmed by: CRIMS0NKANE (http://www.youtube.com/crims0nkane)
Distributed by: GoodGriefing (http://www.youtube.com/user/GoodGriefing)

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BxqvMZoZN8


A short and sweet video that encompasses all that's wrong with online gaming, underage gamers, rampant homophobia, wannabee hacking- for Crimson to find all these facets in one person is impressive. Stick around after the credits for a rather depressing overheard conversation which leaves no doubt as to why gamers are given a bad name.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

Saturday 11 June 2011

Good Grief - One Of Our Best Pranks Yet? - Episode 67 [Xbox Live]

Some dogs don't need new tricks.
RATING: ***

Creator: Kyle Beauregard A.K.A Crazy Filmmaker (http://goodgriefing.net/)
Distributed by: GoodGriefing (http://www.youtube.com/user/GoodGriefing)

Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ad9Hhhio2e0


Attempting to illicit sympathy from the gentlemen at Good Grief is rather like banging your head against a brick wall... that's also insulting your mother. For years they have poked the sleeping dragon of Internet rage, their pranks have reduced 8-year old trashtalkers to tears, wannabe MLG players to meltdown and their fans to hysterics as their ribald jibes cut through the layers of bravado, pretension and terrible comebacks that so epitomise online gaming and particularly Xbox Live.

Here we see an interesting situation, the gentlemen in question (who is no doubt having his Inbox bombarded with friend requests/insults, make of that what you will) has tangled with the group before (in one of their excellent series of 'Humiliation' videos) and is not happy. Unable to grasp the humour in arguing that Beauregard and Co. "made [him] lose all my hard-working COD points!", he demands a rematch in a game of their choice to reclaim his battered honour (and avenge his lost fictional in-game currency):

Crazy Filmmaker: "Monopoly!"
The Challenger: "No, Monopoly is for virgins.",
Crazy Filmmaker: "... Fine, play me in UNO."

As the whole argument is static to an XBL Party Chat it's not the most interesting debate to watch, but from the first burst of expletives to the suddenly silence of the boot it's Good Grief through and through. A nice filler between their main content.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely

Freeman's Mind - Episode 35 [Half-Life Source]

"Wine, Doctor Freeman? Or was it tequila this time?"
RATING: ****

Creator: Ross Scott (http://www.accursedfarms.com/)
Distributed by: Machinima.com (http://www.machinima.com/)



Freeman's Mind is the brainchild of Ross Scott, its premise is very simple. Take footage from the popular first-person adventure game Half-Life and lay a sardonic and unprofessional voice over it, supposedly representing silent protagonist Gordon Freeman's inner thoughts and monologue. A fairly simple task, the series continues on a largely weekly pace while Scott's second project, Civil Protection, showing the comedy mishaps of two Combine law enforcement officers on occupied Earth, has a more languid development cycle.

In this episode Freeman finds himself awakening in a slowly closing trash compartment รก la the Death Star. Rather than recall the Black Ops soldiers who jumped him at the end of the previous episode, he brilliantly deduces that he has simply been on an alcoholic bender. What follows is a loose and lazy meandering through Freeman's previous misdemeanours, he suffers from amnesia leading him to forget the alien invasion he is caught up in (he blissfully comments on a lunging headcrab: "I should start watching National Geographic again..."). Another fine episode in the long running series, anyone who enjoys the cynical Charlie Brown-esque nature of Freeman's reactions will be in for a treat.

The Machinima Review
"If the critics were always right, we should be in deep trouble" - Robert Morely